


Loomer

by borys



Category: Metalocalypse (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27196939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borys/pseuds/borys
Summary: Snippets of Toki and Skwisgaar through the years
Relationships: Skwisgaar Skwigelf/Toki Wartooth
Comments: 12
Kudos: 33





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not done with the show and this is my first mtl fic, plz don't roast me for bad accent writing or inaccuracies or whatever. i just want to write about stupid men okay? let me live

Toki was fresh-faced 17, with 10 American dollars and half of a ham sandwich in his pocket, when Skwisgaar invited him into the band.

He basically groveled at Skwisgaar's feet for it, hunched over pitifully and clenching his freezing hands together. His eyes filled up with shiny, shaking tears as he thanked him as best he could. “Thanks yous… I gots nowheres… I sleep out, you know?” He blinked up at the much taller, much older man, as he looked down at him in an unimpressed way. His blond hair hanging in his face, looking like a grim angel. Toki wants to pass out just looking at him. He had saved his life and didn’t even know it.

Skwisgaar murmured something that Toki could not understand and grabbed him by the forearm, forcing him to stand upright. He then spit out a bunch of words, in rapid succession. Toki did not understand a bit of it, besides that he knew it was in English.

So, he used his default phrase, one that had become very useful living on the streets in America for the past 6 months. “Ah, I ams not speaking English.” He knew it wasn’t 100% correct, but it was serviceable.

Skwisgaar tutted at him and then slowly said, “You lives with me. We leaves now.”

It was indescribable, the way Toki’s heart filled like a balloon. He felt close to bursting. Two good things happening to him! On the same day! Two amazing things, both coming from the man who stood before him, the man who looked at him like he couldn’t care less. And Toki started crying again, blubbering even, falling forward and pressing his face into Skwisgaar’s shirt.

Though Skwisgaar didn’t push him away, he didn’t reciprocate anything either. He just held his arms stiffly by his side and waited for Toki to stop. Toki didn’t care. He had a place to live, someone to talk to, someone he thought he might be able to trust. And with that thought, he cried harder.

-

When Skwisgaar opened the door to his apartment, Toki was greeted by the smell of beer, cum, and cigarettes. It was more of a home than he had ever seen.

Skwisgaar immediately pushed past him and started piling empty food containers and cans into his arms, obviously a bit embarrassed by the state of it. Toki had been able to gather, from a long and frustrating conversation in horrible english, that Skwisgaar lived alone. 

“Yous hungry?” Skwisgaar asked, not turning around while he shoved trash into his already overfilled garbage can.   
Toki shook his head. “Nos. Ams okay.” In fact, he was starving. He hadn’t eaten a full meal in, well. It was hard to imagine when his last one was. Maybe years. 

Skwisgaar turned to look at him, raising one suspicious eyebrow. Toki knew how he looked, like a dirty, skinny rat. But he feared making himself unwelcome. The half of a sandwich in his pocket could last him two days if he drank a lot of water, and by then he could probably steal some scraps from the garbage without being noticed. So he just shrugged.

“Foods in here. Eat whens you want.” Skwisgaar said pointedly, like he knew Toki was lying, and walked to a door, presumably his bedroom. Before he turned to go in, he stared at Toki, hard.

Toki stared back. He didn’t know what they were doing, what the blond man was thinking about him. His expression was unreadable. He didn’t feel scrutinized, exactly, but perhaps measured up. Like he was looking at him through a magnifying glass, looking for any small thing.

“Ams going to bed nows.”

“Goodnight, Skwisgaar.” Toki said, quietly. Their staring contest had knocked the wind out of him.

Skwisgaar disappeared into the darkness of his room, leaving Toki all alone. He guessed he was supposed to sleep on the sagging black couch in the corner of the room, opposite of a tv with a crack running up the screen. It looked more comfortable than anything he’d ever slept on in his life, but he was still hesitant. He hated sleeping alone.

Perhaps “hated” wasn’t the right word. More accurately, he had a fear of it. Ever since he had come to America, since he had stopped being forced to sleep alone, he hadn’t been able to sleep a wink without someone in his direct vicinity. He usually slept in parks, with 5 or 6 other homeless people around him. Even though he knew it was dangerous, though he knew someone could sneak up on him and rob him of his meager possessions or even his life, he didn’t care.

He figured that he would at least try to sleep on the couch, and if it didn’t work, he’d just spend another sleepless night. It had happened plenty of times before. At least this time, he had a roof over his head. He pulled his crusty, filthy jeans off, as well as his t-shirt and hoodie, and picked up a stray pillow from the floor. He tried to convince himself he could do it. He was a big boy, almost an adult. He decided to leave the lights on, figuring they’d be a bit of a comfort.

But as soon as his head hit the pillow, he knew it wasn’t going to work. Dread filled him. He remembered all the nights and days that he had spent, so alone, in Norway. Freezing cold and so stupidly hungry that everything wavered and danced in front of him. Not seeing his parents for days at a time. Picking hay out of the dry, crusted blood from the wounds in his back. He wanted to cry again.

He didn’t know how long he laid still like that, stiff as a board, staring at the insides of his eyelids. It seemed like hours. What finally woke him from his stupor was the sound of a door opening, slowly, as to not make any noise.

Toki opened his eyes to see Skwisgaar staring at him from one end of the couch, by his feet. “Oh, yous still awake?”

Toki nodded. He thought for a second as to how to word his complaint. Then finally, slowly, he said, “Not sleep alone.”

Skwisgaar looked at him, confused. “You… can not sleeps by your owns?”

Toki figured that was basically what he meant, and nodded. “Scary.”

“Oh. Um. Sleeps on my floor, if you are want to. I ams just go to bathroom.” He was visibly uncomfortable by the situation, but Toki was so relieved he didn’t care if he was being a bother. He was fucking exhausted.

As Skwisgaar went down a different hall, presumably to use the bathroom, Toki shuffled into his room in just his socks and underwear. The bedroom was tiny, with just enough room for his bed, dresser, and guitar. Toki was going to have to curl up on 5 square feet of carpet right next to the bed. But he didn’t mind at all.

He set his pillow down and crawled onto the floor, waiting patiently for Skwisgaar to get back so he could finally fall asleep.

When he heard the door open, he smiled to himself without even thinking about it. Relief washed over him. The older man turned out the light, and crept over to his bed, careful to not step on Toki. When he settled into bed, he whispered, “Goodnight, Toki.”

And Toki was out like a light.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> turn around and smile  
> no they can't see through your eye  
> could I fall into the one who calms my mind

It was Toki’s first time being drunk.

When he tried to tell this to the other guys, they laughed at him. He didn’t have words adequate enough to explain how he grew up, what his parents were like, or how he had landed on their doorstep. They just assumed he was a loser teenager. 

To prove he was not a loser teenager, he had taken a lot of shots. He had no idea how many. Now he was face down on the floor in front of the couch. The world was spinning around him. He was only just conscious enough to know that they were all in Skwisgaar’s apartment. It had been 6 months since they brought him in, and the place now really felt like home.

He felt a foot in his side, and he looked in its direction. Nathan was standing over him, intimidating as ever. He had scared Toki a little bit in the beginning, but now he knew that Nathan was probably the least likely in the band to hurt him, or even to yell at him. “Hey, um, are you okay?”

Toki nodded slowly, murmuring in his native tongue. “Jeg er veldig glad.”

Nathan blinked at him for a second. “I have no idea what you just said. Skwisgaar, what did he just say?” He turned to the blond man behind him, who was sitting on the couch fiddling with his guitar. He didn’t even look up from his tuning.

“I ams speaking Swedish, douchebag. Nots Norweigan.” But Toki thought that maybe he knew what he said, that the languages were similar in that respect, because when Nathan turned around, Skwisgaar winked at him.

The wink filled him with a swimming warm feeling that made Toki flush. All he could do was smile at Skwisgaar, and then up at Nathan, and then just to himself when they both looked away from him.

He could hear Pickles somewhere in the far reaches of the living room, arguing with Murderface about something. Their words twisted lazily in his ears, their English too strong and too accented to comprehend. What sounded like a plate crashed to the ground, and Skwisgaar immediately stood up and stared at them. They were standing in the kitchen, Toki guessed, from the distance. 

Skwisgaar shouted at them, in rapid fire (and probably mostly incorrect) English. Nathan watched in a cautious way as the 3 started a boisterous and intense argument. Toki could hear Murderface and Pickles coming closer, until they were close to his head, Skwisgaar was close to his feet, and they were yelling over him.

Toki laughed to himself at the ridiculousness of it all. He was so drunk, and so sleepy, and so warm and dry, and so safe. And Pickles and Murderface were so mad. And Skwisgaar was so beautiful.

It wasn’t the first time he had thought about it. It probably wasn’t even the tenth. It was hard not to think about it. He was objectively good looking. Everyone said so, and even if they didn’t, they thought it.

Skwisgaar had sex with a lot of girls, too. He brought one home nearly every day when they weren’t in the studio. Toki had no idea where he found him. Perhaps they just found him, like some magnetic draw. When the girls were over, Toki would usually sit on the couch and practice guitar with his headphones in.

Sure, sometimes he took off his headphones and listened. But anyone would do that.

He snapped out of his daydream when Murderface flung a beer bottle at Skwisgaar’s head.

It barely missed him, just clipping his ear before it smashed into a million pieces on the wall, the liquid exploding in a 5 foot radius. Toki immediately stopped laughing. They all stared at it for one quiet moment. 

“It ams time for you to leaves now.” Skwisgaar said quietly, stoically.

“No.” Murderface retorted.

“No, it is time for us to leave. Goodbye, Skwisgaar. Bye, Toki.” At the last part, Nathan nudged Toki with his foot again, a bit affectionately. Murderface started shouting again, but Nathan took both him and Pickles by the arms and all but dragged them out. Murderface was screaming expletives directly at all of them, while Pickles let himself get dragged, maybe embarrassed of his conduct.

The door slammed behind them, and it was just Skwisgaar, Toki, and the shards of broken glass stuck into the carpet.

Skwisgaar shook his head dismissively. “Murderface is stupid piece of shit fuckface. You know what those words mean, Toki?”

Toki shrugged. He was too drunk to cope.

“Ah, yous ams very drunk. It okay, just your first time. You be surviving.”

He nodded without really knowing what all those words meant together. It was just nice to hear him talk. Skwisgaar smiled at his drunken state and turned, knelt down, and started picking pieces of glass from the carpet.

“You hurts your hand.” Toki pointed out. “With the sharp.” His parents had made him clean broken glass plenty of time, he had the scars on his hands and knees to prove it.

“Brutal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the next 2 chapters written because i couldn't sleep last night lol. they'll be out soon
> 
> summary is from "what you want" by my bloody valentine


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> come in alone, you will love to let go  
> and i'll turn you around  
> when your hopes gave me doubts

Toki’s English lessons were not going very well.

This was probably due to the fact that his teacher, Skwisgaar, was not exactly proficient in the language. He had studied it in school before coming to America, and could do well enough to get by, but didn’t seem to care to learn the more intricate grammar rules.

Once he said to Nathan, “I ams respecting my own mother tongue. And ladies like it.”

The ladies did probably like it, Toki thought. It was pleasant to hear.

Their “English lessons” usually consisted of an hour every other day. If they went anywhere in public, Skwisgaar would point at an object and ask Toki what it was in English. 

If he couldn’t get it right, Skwisgaar would shake his head and not actually inform him of what it was. If he got it right, or at least got the color right, Skwisgaar would smile at him and sometimes would pat him on the shoulder. 

The smile and occasional pat was more than enough positive reinforcement. In fact, once, Skwisgaar had touched his hand. Just for a second, he dragged his pointer finger over Toki’s knuckles. He never forgot the word for microwave again. 

Despite that, by the day that their first album hit the shelves, Toki still barely spoke enough English to say a full, grammatically correct sentence. He could understand it surprisingly well, and had a decent vocabulary, but he would often spend 10 minutes thinking about how to string 7 words together.

The band was pretty split on this. Skwisgaar obviously had no problem with it, and said that he would learn better naturally. Pickles said that it gave them a charm to have two heavily-accented members, almost like they were a real brutal metal band with members that killed people.

It frustrated Murderface endlessly, especially since Toki still had a hard time parsing his spitty way of speech. Nathan didn’t mind quite as much, but he said that he had a hard time giving Toki instructions on what to do in the studio.

They had, like usual, defaulted to Charles for his ruling on the matter. He seemed frustrated that he even had to have the conversation as they stood in front of him in his office. He didn't even look up from his papers when he said, “Yes, Toki needs to get better at English. He sounds like a child.”

Toki knew enough to be offended, but didn’t know enough to retort, so he just huffed and crossed his arms. 

Skwisgaar put his arm around Toki and said something to Charles that Toki couldn’t understand, though he knew it was sarcastic. The rest of the members of the band laughed, and even Charles looked more amused than usual. 

Toki got frustrated by not being in on the joke. Were they laughing with him, or at him? “What? What are it?” He demanded, squinting up at Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar just laughed more and jostled Toki, pulling him a little closer. “Ah, is nothing, Toki. Yous just a kid, is all.” He was tall and haughty and Toki hated him in that moment, for making fun of him. But where Skwisgaar’s arm met his shoulders, he felt a deep, embarrassing electricity. 

“I ams not!” Toki retorted. This only made the guys laugh harder.

Skwisgaar brought his hand up to Toki’s cheek and pinched it. “See, baby Toki is red, like a tomato!”

Tears started to form in his eyes. The embarrassment was too much. The physical contact was too much. He was too cruel to be touching him. He wanted the soft pats. He wanted Skwisgaar’s hand on his cheek, not pinching, just holding his face so gentl-

He hated himself for thinking it, and shook himself loose from his grasp. “Yous guys is assholes.”

Skwisgaar poked him a little, in the meat of his upper arm. “Do not being so sensitives, Toki.” The poke was light, but caused the back of Toki’s neck to prickle up. Why did people have to hurt him?

Wiping tears from his eyes, he stomped out of Charles’ office and waited outside the door, sitting with his head in his hands. He would have to go home with Skwisgaar. He hated the idea. 

It was a few minutes before they all exited the office. Murderface and Pickles walked out without a word or a glance in Toki’s direction. Nathan gave him a sidelong glance and muttered, “See you later,” before following the other guys. He didn’t expect much different. It’s not like he admired his bandmates for their emotional intelligence. He knew that they cared for him in their own ways. At least, most of them did.  
Skwisgaar exited the room last. He looked down at Toki for a second before offering him a hand. Toki tried to detect any sheepishness, or even regret, in his eyes. Nothing.

“You are wants to go home? We can get pizza from the small Caesars.”

Toki took his outstretched hand and pulled himself up, facing him. He tried not to let his wounded ego show. “It is Little Caesars.” This was something he did know about, he had taken a liking to pizza since he had come to America.

Skwisgaar smiled at him and reached to touch his face. Instead of pinching, he dragged one finger down Toki’s cheek, from his temple to his jaw bone. Toki dared not move. 

“Smart boy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it obvious that all i've done for the past few days is write? new chapter up tomorrow (or later today i guess, since it's 1am where I live at the time i'm posting this lol)
> 
> summary from "come in alone" by my bloody valentine. tbh this whole thing is kind of a set of songfics for the mbv album "loveless" because its all i'm listening to right now. check it out if u wanna.


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> try to pretend it's true, oh  
> show me all your favorite things  
> show you all mine too  
> make a wish  
> i'll give it all to you

When Skwisgaar and Toki got their first checks for the album, which ended up being the best selling album of all time within its first week, they bought a new TV.

It was huge, which Skwisgaar had made sure of. Toki could stand with his arms spread and not be able to reach both ends. Skwisgaar had to throw away his dining room table (which was just a foldable card table) to make room for it. He justified it by saying that, when they got back from their first tour, he’d move into a place that wasn’t the size of a postage stamp.

Toki didn’t know if he was allowed to come along. At this point, he couldn’t imagine living without him.

But, after a couple hours of setting it up and lots of arguing, they sat back on the couch to enjoy their new luxury purchase. They had bought a DVD player too, as well as a couple movies. Skwisgaar said that he wanted to show Toki one of his favorites. He had turned off the lights and made some popcorn in preparation.

“So,” Skwisgaar asked before he shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth. “What’s yous most favorite movie?”

Toki blinked back at him. “Um…” He hadn’t even seen a TV until he came to America, hadn’t sat down and watched anything on one until he moved in. He had caught bits of movies now and then, but the language barrier meant he hadn’t been able to understand them at all. “Not have one.”  
Skwisgaar scoffed. “Yous have to have a most favorite. What movie did you likes the most? That you seen?”

“Never seens one.” He said sheepishly, looking down at his lap and twisting his hands anxiously. He was really embarrassed to admit it. What kind of freak had never seen a movie? 

“Oh.” Skwisgaar said, looking up at him and swallowing his popcorn. “It ams because of your parents?” 

Toki had managed to find the words to explain a bit about his childhood to his bandmates, and mostly to Skwisgaar. He couldn’t quite find the words for how they had punished him, could not articulate all the nights alone and the nerve-melting pain. But they knew that his parents had kept him locked away from the regular world.

“Ja.”

Skwisgaar nodded thoughtfully. “Well, is okay. I force you to like my movies. Can shows you good ones, not shit ones like Pickle likes. Dis one is called ‘Vertigo.’ Made by Alfred Hitchcock. I put on Norweigan words for you, so you can reads them and know what they say.”

Toki tried not to blush. Any tiny bit of thoughtfulness still made him bashful and squirrely.

Skwisgaar pressed some buttons on the remote and started the movie.

Toki realized this was another step he was taking in becoming a regular person. Every day, he rebelled against what he was taught his whole life. Watching TV, watching movies, talking more than once a day, buying non-essentials, doing work besides hard labor. He hadn’t looked at the Bible in months.

He looked at Skwisgaar, the way the light of the screen caressed the bridge of his nose and his soft bottom lip. His parents wouldn’t like this either. They would know how he felt. They would lock him up, for the rest of his life, and he’d be so alone. Alone, away from Skwisgaar, away from the band. Away from all feelings.

Skwisgaar turned to him and furrowed his brow. “Whats are you looking?”

Toki quickly looked away back at the TV. He hated himself so vividly at that moment that he thought he would remember for it the rest of his life. No matter how hard he tried to hide how he felt, Skwisgaar always caught him red-handed.

“Nothing.”

Skwisgaar made an annoyed sound. “Pays attentions on the movie.”

So Toki did. It was a good movie, he thought. At least, it was what he guessed a good movie should look like, should feel like. It was nice to look at, and he liked the main character. He was a real manly man.

About 45 minutes through the movie, Toki felt Skwisgaar shift. He looked to his side, not high enough to meet the other man's eyes, and saw that he had slid over on the couch to be closer to Toki. Not only that, his hand, his long fingers, were almost touching Toki’s bare thigh, right under where his gym shorts were hiked up.

Toki worked hard to rationalize this in his head. He was probably just getting comfortable, y’know? He was allowed to do whatever he wanted in his own house. They weren’t even touching. It was whatever. No big deal.

But then Skwisgaar's hand crept closer, until the back of his hand was flush with the outside of Toki’s leg. Toki could feel all the fingers individually, as if Skwisgaar was giving him 5 inoculations of adrenaline. The back of his palm was flat and warm and smooth. 

Toki, again, tried to rationalize. Maybe it was an accident, or just the way his hand was most comfortable in that particular position. Maybe this was friendly behavior in Sweden. Just two guys hanging out. He could not let himself think anything else. Because, if he did, he might do something he would regret.

For example, he wanted so badly to turn to Skwisgaar and kiss him. He wanted nothing more in the world, actually. He wanted to turn to him and hold his face in his hands and kiss him until the movie was over, and a couple hours after that, until their lips fell off or molded together. He wanted to be so close to him that he could see each individual blond eyelash, the freckle underneath his chin. 

But he couldn’t. 

So they finished the movie in silence, Toki trying so hard to be still that he barely breathed. 

As the credits rolled, Skwisgaar turned to face Toki, his hand still against his leg. “You are liked it?”

Toki nodded. He really had liked it, despite his unrelated rushes of emotion throughout. He didn’t know how to describe why he had liked it, though. Didn’t have the words for it, nor did he have the knowledge of film. So he just nodded.

“I ams glad.”

He ventured to look at Skwisgaar. He was beautiful. There were no other words on the planet Toki could think of, no more poetic descriptions, nothing less. He was just so beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> description from "blown a wish" by my bloody valentine, u know the drill


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your eyes are blue  
> blue jewels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> toki is 18 in this chapter :))

The NYC show, the 7th stop on their first tour, went phenomenally. 

Toki could take or leave being famous, enjoyed the money fine enough, but he really loved performing. Everyone in the audience loved him, admired him, wanted to fuck him. He would walk to the edge of the stage sometimes, stretch his hand towards the crowd, and watch them all climb over themselves like cockroaches to touch him.

It had become tradition for them to go to the bar after a show. Toki thought it was funny. When most people would be exhausted, they just wanted to get shitfaced.

So they would find some shitty dive bar, where they were not likely to get recognized, and get so drunk that the most sober one (usually Toki) would have to carry the rest of them out and put them in a taxi.

This time, though, Nathan got a phone call from Charles while they sat in a booth, most of them near-vomiting.

“Hey, guys. I’m coming to pick you up. We have to get up early tomorrow. I’ll be there in 30 minutes.” His normal snippy tone bothered Toki. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to explore the city. He had never been here before, the “greatest city on Earth,” and didn’t want his only experience of it to be playing a show in a big venue and then getting shitfaced.

He lamented this to Skwisgaar, who was relatively composed. “I do not wanting to go! I wants to see city! Lights and stuff!” Toki groaned and threw his head back dramatically. He complained a lot when he was drunk.

“Do not act like babys, Toki.” Skwisgaar scoffed at him, shaking his head dismissively. “But, if you are wanting, we can walk back towards hotel. Leave before Charles get here. See the lights and stuff.”

Toki’s eyes opened wide and he perked up, beaming. He was too drunk to care about acting like a desperate girl. Spending alone time with Skwisgaar, walking the streets at night, drunk and happy, seemed like a dream. “You woulds go with me to do’s dat?”

“Eh, they are boring anyways. Charles especially boring. Makes me want to puke with being boring. Lets go, then.” He stood up quickly, seemingly antsy to leave. Toki had noticed this about him before. Sometimes, he just wanted to leave, walk away, with no explanation. It could be in any situation.

Toki liked this about him. 

The rest of the band seemed to have heard their conversation, or maybe they just didn’t give a shit, because when the two walked away from the table and out the door, nobody said a word.

Or maybe it was something else. Toki was pretty sure that Pickles had long suspected his interest in Skwisgaar. He picked up on stuff like that a lot, being probably the smartest out of all of them. He had never mentioned it out loud, but he could see the way Pickles watched them together, the way he smirked when they would leave a room together. He hated it. But he knew that Nathan and Murderface were probably a bit too stupid to figure it out by themselves, so he felt safe in that way.

They were smacked in the face by the cold as soon as they stepped out. Toki was woefully underdressed, he still hadn’t gotten in the habit of buying clothes when he needed them, but he was used to it. He even had a long sleeve shirt on, which was better than the thin short-sleeved shirts his parents gave him back in Norway. He shivered, not from the cold, but from the memory.

“I am thinking I knows the way back. It is kind of just in a straight line with some turn. Not be hard, except if you are too off your ass.” Skwisgaar said, and looked him up and down. “Yous can makes it, you are thinking?”

Toki nodded. “Am not dat drunks. Hard to when Pickle take my shots.” Pickles was, indeed, notorious for taking his bandmates shots or downing their beer when they weren’t looking. But he was downplaying his inebriation quite a bit. 

“Okay, if you’re saying so.” Skwisgaar said, apparently believing the lie enough to not argue. “It’s dis way.” He pointed right (or left? Toki got them confused) and started walking.

They didn’t have to talk. In fact, Toki sometimes preferred if they didn’t. He didn’t have to constantly think over his words, curse himself if he said something dumb. They could just be together, and he could look at Skwisgaar for those brief moments that he let himself. 

Sometimes Toki felt like he spent half of his life watching him.

He had been right to suggest the walk, he did really like the lights of the city. Even if it was a little sketchy, and more than a little dirty, he felt comfortable. 

If someone attacked them, Toki could protect them. He imagined fighting off a masked bandit, like in a movie, defending Skwisgaar’s honor. After he beat the guys ass, Skwisgaar would thank him and fall into his arms and k-

“Hey, Toki.” Skwisgaar said, abruptly interrupting his daydream. “Comes looking at something with me for one seconds.”

Toki startled. This was really out of the blue. When he turned to Skwisgaar, he was half turned towards an alley between two buildings, restaurants that had long closed for the night. He was gesturing with his hand. Both of his eyebrows were slightly raised, as to say “Do you dare follow me?”

Toki did dare. He would follow him fucking anywhere. He didn’t care what it was. He’d walk off the end of the earth if Skwisgaar was leading the way.

So, they ducked in the alley together.

They watched each other for a second. Toki’s heart was pounding, beating up into his throat. Skwisgaar stepped closer, and Toki stepped back. Again, the blond man stepped forward, and Toki, trying to retain his space, stepped back. His back was against the wall now. When Skwisgaar stepped forward again, there was nowhere to go. They were almost nose to nose.

“Whats is it?” Toki whispered.

Skwisgaar brought his hand up to touch Toki’s cheek, gently caressing it like Toki had wished for so many times. He made circles with his thumb on his cheek, softly stroking above where his mustache was beginning to grow. “Yous ams very beautiful, you know dis? The most beautiful eyes in whole worlds.”

Oh, god. It was fucking happening. Like how Toki had wanted for a fucking year. He was finally making the move. 

“Nos. Not reallys.”

“Ah, well. I ams now telling you.” Skwisgaar inched his face closer, until they really were nose to nose. Lips half an inch away. “Cans I kisses you?”

“Yes, please.”

So he did. Toki had never kissed anyone before, which he didn’t think Skwisgaar knew. He didn’t know what he expected. But Skwisgaar’s lips were smooth and soft, and his breath tasted like alcohol, and it was all he had ever wanted and more. He felt like Skwisgaar was reaching down his throat and cradling his heart.

They kissed for a long time. Toki wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar’s waist, which seemed like the right thing to do, and pulled him in until their chests touched.

Skwisgaar was the one who pulled back first. He smiled at him, still touching his face. “You ams very sweet. We should go nows. To the hotels. The guys will be waitings.”

Toki’s brow furrowed. The glow of the kiss was over, and he realized what they were going back to. Nothing. Friendship, being bandmates. Maybe, in 5 months, he would kiss him again, or touch his thigh. “Ah, just sos you cans pretending dat it never happened and we are just best of pal? No thank.”

Skwisgaar squinted at him, his face fell. He looked hurt, actually hurt. Like it was not even in the realm of possibility that he would do something like that. But Toki knew he was right. 

“Do not looks like stupid. You know it going to happen.”

Skwisgaar took his hand away and sighed. “Toki, why you have to say dat and ruin a very nice moment?” 

“Because it ams true! We just going to go to hotel and we will sleep in different beds and you will watch me sleep if you get up to take piss or cry in bathroom!” Toki’s voice was rising now, high pitched with anger. He was tired of waiting for Skwisgaar to feel like touching him. He wanted it all, or nothing.

If Skwisgaar looked hurt before, he looked near-tears now. He was such a crybaby. Toki resented him for it. What did he have to cry about? He had every girl he ever wanted, a million dollars in the bank account. A friend who he knew would do anything for him, who he knew he could keep in perpetuity forever. “Why ams you saying dis?”

“Because you knows you can pull me round.”

Skwisgaar didn’t have a response for that. Toki knew it was because it was true. He felt raw and open and bleeding and taken advantage of. 

“Whatevers, Skwisgaar. I can not be doing what you likes me to do. I ams leaving.” He snaked around Skwisgaar and stomped away, not even knowing exactly where he was going.

But he couldn’t help but look back behind him. Skwisgaar’s face in that moment would haunt him forever.


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wake up, don't fear  
> i want to love you  
> yeah, doll of pain  
> i let you get to me

Their sleeping arrangements on tour were not unlike the ones they had back at home.

Despite the fact that their album had climbed the charts rapidly and had stayed at the top for weeks by the beginning, they had booked the hotels before the album had even come out. Therefore, operating on very little money, Charles had gotten 3 hotel rooms for the 6 of them. Skwisgaar and Toki shared a room, Murderface and Pickles shared a room, and Nathan and Charles shared a room. This was how it was to be in every city. 

After they kissed, it had definitely been more awkward. They didn’t sit on the same bed when they were hanging out. They sat across from each other at restaurants, not next to each other. Skwisgaar gave him a two-foot radius at all times. 

And, while Toki ached for him just as much, it seemed like Skwisgaar’s feelings had disappeared. Toki wished he could do that, turn off his feelings like a lightswitch. But he was happier like this, he thought. Less confused.

He had finally settled his mind, and adjusted to the fact that him and Skwisgaar wouldn’t do anything like that again, about halfway through the tour. That was until Toki woke in the middle of the night, in their hotel in Boulder, Colorado.

He was usually a very heavy sleeper. It was rare for him to wake up for no reason, especially when he could see from the window that it was still pitch-black outside. He laid there, still half asleep and confused, when he heard Skwisgaar grunt.

Toki figured he might be having a nightmare. They both had them, Toki quite frequently. He had no idea what Skwisgaar’s were like, only that he would wake up pissy and sullen. But it was no big deal. He tried to settle in to try and fall back asleep when he heard another noise coming from Skwisgaar’s form on the bed. This time, it was clearly a moan.

Toki knew what it was from the many, many girls that Skwisgaar had brought home. His moans were high and distinctive and they made Toki’s stomach flip upside down.

He froze completely, trying to decide what to do. It felt wrong to listen to him. But he didn’t want to embarrass him. And he didn’t want to seem like a pervert for even listening in the first place. He didn’t even think he could move or speak if he wanted to, anyways. It felt like the blood in his body was rushing directly to his chest. 

So he listened. Skwisgaar was clearly awake, not having some sort of wet dream. Toki could hear the slick wet of it. He wanted to die. He could have truly died and gone to hell in that moment and would have been happier than where he was. And he was extremely, painfully, turned on.

Skwisgaar swore in Swedish under his breath, a word Toki recognized due to similarities to his own language. His heart was in his throat. He hated himself for loving it, for wanting to shove his hand down the waistband of his underwear and join him. For wanting to kiss him again, to press him against the bed. To have him trapped, not the other way around.

He didn’t dare.

He wasn’t even looking at him, he was laying on his back, and yet he felt that he could almost see him. His imagination worked in overdrive. He imagined his face looking like how it does when he plays guitar, when he gets really into a riff. He dared not think much about what was happening under the belt. He only allowed himself flashes of imagination. Toki, despite no longer fearing God, still feared Hell.

The wet sounds got faster, and Skwisgaar’s breathing got so heavy it dragged through the air. If Toki hadn’t woken up earlier, he definitely would have by now. It was like he wasn’t even trying to hide it. The thought flashed through Toki’s mind. Maybe he wasn’t trying. Maybe he wanted him to hear.

Before he could think about it any longer, Skwisgaar let out a loud moan and jerked his hips, the shitty hotel bed frame loudly creaking from his movement. He swore under his breath, a long string of Swedish swears that were so slurred that Toki didn’t hear the difference between one word or another. He let out another soft noise before stilling. 

They laid there in silence for a second. He still breathed heavily, in and out. He was obviously trying to catch his breath. 

Then, Skwisgaar moved to get up from his bed. Toki snapped his eyes shut, feigning sleep. Now in a standing position, Skwisgaar stood still for a second. Though his eyes were closed, Toki knew he was being watched. He knew, if he opened his eyes, they would both know.

“Toki?” Skwisgaar whispered. Toki had never heard him so soft before. He sounded vulnerable, almost desperate.

He knew he couldn’t say a word.

Skwisgaar stood over him for a couple more seconds before walking towards the bathroom. Probably gone to clean himself up.

Toki, only then, dared to open his eyes. The hotel room was completely dark, of course, so there wasn’t much to see. He turned on his side and balled up into the fetal position so it wouldn’t be visible how hard he was. 

Then, a sound echoed from inside the bathroom. They weren’t completely dissimilar to the ones he had heard moments ago, but they clearly weren’t the same. Actually, it sounded to Toki like Skwisgaar was… crying?

He listened harder. Yup, he was definitely crying. Not full-blown sobbing, he was obviously trying to be quiet for Toki’s sake, and for his own pride. But it was clear. Toki went from embarrassed of his own feelings to confused by Skwisgaar’s. What was wrong with him?

The crying continued for what felt like hours, but was probably only 5 long minutes. Toki couldn’t sleep without him there, so he waited. After a couple sniffles and a few protracted sighs, the door opened and Skwisgaar's heavy footsteps made their way back to the bed. 

Toki hoped that he would just get back into bed and go to sleep. But he didn’t. He stood staring at Toki again. He just wanted it to stop. He didn’t know why he was staring at him, why he had said his name, why he had just cried. The more time he spent with Skwisgaar, the more of a mystery he became.

To make matters worse, he felt Skwisgaar bend down to get even closer to him. Toki considered sleepily turning over, hoping this might get Skwisgaar to stop, but he didn’t want to risk it.

Then, he felt a warm hand on his face. 4 of Skwisgaar’s calloused fingertips lightly pressed into his cheek, while his thumb rested on Toki’s chin, close to his bottom lip. 

Toki opened his eyes. He didn’t know why. He didn’t even think about it. Maybe the electricity of the touch forced his eyes open. Maybe he wanted to see what would happen. He didn’t know.

In the dark, he looked up at Skwisgaar and Skwisgaar looked down at him. He couldn’t see any of his features but a gentle glowing outline, illuminated by the dim bathroom light. Fly-away wisps of his hair shimmered. 

“Gos to bed, okay?” Skwisgaar whispered, and dragged his thumb up to catch Toki’s bottom lip. He pulled it downwards a little, exposing his crooked bottom teeth. “It’s okays.”

No, it really wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate writing sexual stuff i'm so sorry lmfao
> 
> also i'm in the process of writing another mtl fic so this one will probably be updated a little bit slower


	7. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when you sleep tomorrow  
> and it won't be long  
> once in a while  
> when you make me smile  
> and you turn your long blonde hair

Toki had never felt more relief in his life than when they all agreed to buy a house together.

He didn’t know if he could handle buying one himself, having a whole huge house and nobody with him in it. He would’ve made up some preposterous story about why he had to be with the other guys. Specifically, Skwisgaar. He didn’t think that he’d ever be able to sleep without him again.

But buying a house together did bring up a similar, but less severe, issue. He would clearly have his own room. It’s not like the guys were just going to accept him rooming with Skwisgaar permanently, even if Skwisgaar didn’t mind. And he probably would.

Yet again, Skwisgaar had gotten his hopes up that night on tour, two months ago by then. And yet again, Toki was disappointed. Not even a pointed look in Toki’s direction since. It drove him fucking crazy, which he was starting to think was the point.

It was a good way to torture someone. Give them a taste of something they need, just enough to keep them in rapturous wait. Ignore that need when you’re not feeding it. Repeat this once every couple months. Profit. Have them in your grasp forever.

Toki knew every move in Skwisgaar’s book at this point. Every trick designed to hurt him. 

But he kept falling for it.

In this way, he was kind of glad that he’d be forced out of Skwisgaar’s room. Maybe this would finally let him wiggle free of the grasp the older man had on him. Maybe.

But that first night he tried to sleep alone, he knew he wouldn’t be able to resist. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he felt a pull in his gut. He was lonely. Scared in a way he hadn’t been in months. He would’ve even slept in Murderface’s room if he thought he’d accept.

But he knew he wouldn’t accept. He knew that Pickles wouldn’t. He did know that Nathan might, but he didn’t want to ask.

His only option was the one that would hurt him the most. He thought it was funny that his life often brought this query to him.

So after only a short 30 minutes of deliberating, he opened his door and walked down the hall to Skwisgaar’s room. He was apparently awake too, a thin line of light shined onto the floor. This wasn’t surprising to Toki at all, the two of them had spent many nights together awake until 4am. In the hazy hours, their eyes would meet and he would remember how kissing him had felt. Like a promise.

So Toki knocked. And knocked again, after his first went unanswered. This was normal for Skwisgaar, so it took almost 4 rounds of knocking before he flung open his door. His facial expression turned from rage as soon as he saw Toki. The look on his face was indecipherable. Not exactly surprise. Maybe wonder.

“Toki? What ams you doing? Gos to your bed.”

“But I can’t, Skwisgaar. Cannot sleeps on my own. You know.” He tried to look as pitiful as possible, hoping to gain at least a little bit of favor from him. He knew Skwisgaar could be soft on the inside, especially for him. 

Toki clasped his hands under his chin like a beggar in a movie and asked, “Please? I stays in here? Please please please please please please?” When Skwisgaar didn’t respond initially, he repeated it even more.

Interrupting Toki’s repetition, Skwisgaar sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. “Does anyone tells you thats you ams very annoyings?”

Toki nodded, knowing he had gotten to him. “Yeah! You says it every days!”

This made Skwisgaar snort and step back into his room. “Comes in, stupid. I ams not sleeping nows, so you haves to wait.”

Toki hadn’t been in Skwisgaar’s new room yet, he wasn’t someone that was open to a lot of guests. But it was nicer than their old apartment. A lot cleaner, cold and sparsely decorated. The only thing that wasn’t white in the room was his guitar. It reminded him of Skwisgaar when he first met him, which made Toki smile.

“Do nots be acting creepy or anything. Just sit somewheres and be quiets.”

Skwisgaar made a beeline for his guitar as soon as he shut the door behind Toki. There was a notebook on his bed too, he was obviously writing something.

“What ams you writing?”

Skwisgaar slammed the notebook closed and scowled at him. “I tell yous to be quiet and not bothering me, right?” 

Toki snickered and nodded. He not-so-secretly revelled in pissing him off. It was normal in the band, every single one of them did it to each other. Even if it wasn’t like that, he’d still do it. He thought of it as reparations for the shit Skwisgaar put him through.

But he was trying not to think about that.

So he sat on Skwisgaar’s bed with him, cross-legged, and watched him play.

There was something almost therapeutic about it. He could, and often did, sit there and watch him for hours on end. It didn’t really matter what it was. He just liked watching his fingers move up and down the frets, thinking about how they’d feel- Oh god. He didn’t want to think about that, actually.

Toki had always thought of Skwisgaar as the most musically talented in the band. The rest of them would argue with him, but he knew it was true. And he knew that part of it was because of him. He knew Skwisgaar played better with him around. Knowing that gave him a warm feeling of pride in his stomach. It was almost better than how Skwisgaar made him feel when he touched him.

Almost.

He watched Skwisgaar play for almost a whole hour, just entranced by him, before the older man abruptly set down his guitar. “I ams ready for sleepings.”

Toki cast a glance at the bare floor. At their apartment, it was carpet, which wasn’t awful to sleep on. But now, Skwisgaar’s bedroom floor was cold, hard stone. A rug was under his bed, but Toki didn’t foresee them lifting the bed together to get it. 

Skwisgaar must have seen his tentative face, because he scoffed. “What, my nice floor ams not good enough for fancy Toki? Too good to be sleeping down there?”

“No! No, it ams not dat. It ams just a little… um… like you know. A bad place to sleep.”

What he meant was that it was too much like the cold floors of his home, the stone he pressed his face against as he got beaten. He really hated being choosy, and he could sleep on the ground if he needed to. It was just… not ideal. 

Skwisgaar knew what he meant. He always did, even if he pretended he didn’t care, even if he didn’t show it. He knew almost everything about him. Toki could have resented him for it if he wasn’t so goddamn sweet about it sometimes.

Skwisgaar sighed again, looking around his room one last time, as if a new bed would spring out of nowhere. “Fine. Sleeps in my beds. It’s big enough for dat, I am guessing. Just stays on one side.

“Oh, I promises! I’ll just stays on my side.” Toki said, very enthusiastically. It was true. He would stay on his side, he wouldn’t initiate anything. He was too nervous, too scared of rejection, too clumsy. But it was funny that Skwisgaar said it with so much skepticism. As if Toki had pulled him in and kissed him, as if Toki touched him when he didn’t expect it, as if Toki watched Skwisgaar sleep. 

Skwisgaar pointed to one side of the bed, presumably Toki’s side, and started stripping down to his underwear. Not abnormal at all. Toki had seen him do it so many times before that it only tugged at his stomach gently with desire. Nothing more than that, a soft prod, to remind him of what he wanted.

Toki settled on the bed, not even reaching for the small fur blanket that would only fit over Skwisgaar comfortably. He faced away from Skwisgaar, heard him plod over to turn out the lights. Felt him settle into the other side of the bed.

Toki figured it would be a normal night. After all, he had accepted their tension as a thing of the past. But, of course, Skwisgaar would always find a way to twist his brain the other direction again.

It was only about 10 minutes after the light had been turned off when Toki felt movement on the other side of the bed, slowly inching towards him. 

As the other mans arm wrapped around him, and he pressed himself against Toki’s back, he realized that he was a fucking idiot.

Every single goddamn time. His life was the tale of someone who couldn’t learn their fucking lesson.

And yet, he couldn’t make himself move away. Skwisgaar’s arm wrapped around his waist, and he grasped one of his hands in his. His knees tucked into the back of Toki’s, his breath tickled the back of his neck. He didn’t say anything, just settled into that position. 

He was so warm. It was sweeter than anything they had ever done. Sure, Skwisgaar’s boner was poking him in the butt quite noticeably. But it was sweet. They were holding hands. They were cuddling. How many women got to say that they had done that with Skwisgaar? 

He was different from the sluts and groupies that Skwisgaar fucked. Skwisgaar felt more for him than he did for any of them. He was better. He was special.

Toki felt a sick sense of pride that accompanied him until he drifted to sleep, still wrapped in Skwisgaar’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i figured out how i want this to end/the rest of the chapters so yeah. 9 chapters in total, 2 more to go.


	8. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hold me close  
> i hate you the most  
> when you are the only one

When Charles called Toki into his office, he knew it couldn’t be for anything good.

Toki probably got into the least trouble out of anyone in the band, besides maybe Skwisgaar. This was mostly due to the fact that he didn’t like fighting. He also didn’t do any hard drugs, didn’t have sex with excessive amounts of women (or any), and usually didn’t get bad publicity. The only trouble he ever really got into was when another member of the band would rope him into some ridiculous scheme.

But he knew that Charles never asked to meet with them unless they did something really great or really terrible. And Toki didn’t consider himself to have done anything particularly great recently. Or ever.

As soon as Toki closed Charles’ office door behind him, he blurted out, “I’m sorries!” Better safe than sorry.

Charles raised an eyebrow at him. “Um, there’s no need for that. Just sit down, Toki.” He gestured to the chair across from him, and shuffled some papers on his desk. 

Toki sat down. He was always uncomfortable in this room. It reminded him a little too much that his every move was watched. “Dids I do somethings wrong?”

Charles shook his head, looking a bit amused. “No, not really. Just something I wanted to resolve with you.” He paused for a second. “To be blunt, I know about you and Skwisgaar.”

Oh. So that’s what this was about. Not what he expected at all. Toki didn’t know exactly what to say, so he stayed silent.

“Don’t worry, I don’t personally care what you two do. And I promise that nobody else knows. But I just want to make sure that nothing… Gets in the way of the band. Do you know what I mean?”

He knew what he meant. Skwisgaar was pretty good at pretending like nothing was wrong, and Toki usually just followed suit. But it could get dicey sometimes. Things had been really awkward after they had first kissed, they didn’t even look at each other on stage for 4 shows. And though they always mended it soon enough, he understood that there might be a time where they couldn’t.

“Yes, I knows. Skwisgaar, he’s just likes driving me crazy!’ Toki exclaimed, glad to finally be able to complain about it with someone else. “One days he loves me, always wants to be touching, and the next days, he’s just yellings at me.”

Charles glanced up at him. “Oh.” He was obviously a little uncomfortable, probably wishing that Toki didn’t say much more about their personal lives. Or their sex lives, god forbid. He probably knew enough about Skwisgaar’s proclivities to last a lifetime and a half.

They were quiet for a second. Charles shuffled more papers. Toki was starting to think that none of those papers were actually important, that they were actually blank, and that Charles only looked at them to fill up awkward silences. He was so weird.

“Hey, hows do you’s know anyways? ‘Bout me and him.” He thought they were decently sneaky.

“I know you all very well, because it’s my job.” Charles stopped, a little too long, as if for some kind of dramatic irony. “And I have cameras in the hallways. You go to his room every night. Pretty obvious.” 

This was true. They slept in the same bed every night now, though Skwisgaar refused to sleep in Toki’s with him, he always said it was too gay. But as soon as they turned the lights out, Skwisgaar was pressing against him like a needy girlfriend. Darkness illuminates, he guessed.

“So, you won’t tells anyone?” It’s not that Toki even cared particularly. He wasn’t hell-bent on preserving an aura of masculinity. But he knew it was important for Skwisgaar’s ego, which was liable to snap in half like a twig at even the slightest provocation.

Charles shook his head. “You guys are really coming up in the world. No reason to complicate that. If you ever want to tell the band, though, I can arrange it. Might be a little dicey, but we could probably prevent a press leak.” 

Toki thought about Pickles, his stupid knowing smiles and smug eyes.

“Okays. Cans I go now? I ams hungries.”

It wasn’t really true. He was just uncomfortable with being scrutinized, even if Charles didn’t seem to judge him. He liked it better when him and Skwisgaar’s secret was just that: a secret. 

“Yeah, go on. Just remember what I said, okay?”

Toki left the room wordlessly. He felt like, with Skwisgaar, things were always on the tip of boiling over, always close to a trainwreck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is short!! i'm preparing to write the loooong last chapter
> 
> (also yes it was going to have 10 chapters, i was originally going to write a different chapter 8. but it wasn't going well at all. so i decided to just get rid of that chapter and make it 9. it'll be better this way, trust me.)


	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> swallow, swallow love  
> i close my mouth  
> slowly, slowly, love  
> into my mouth

Toki was in his bedroom after dinner, fiddling with one of his model planes, when he heard a knock on his door.

He usually didn’t get visitors. The guys didn’t spend an excessive amount of time together if they weren’t eating, practicing, or in the hot tub. They all had their own lives, of course. 

So, he walked over to the door and opened it. Skwisgaar was at his door, awkwardly cracking his knuckles. He did that when he didn’t have his guitar. Something for his hands to do, he guessed.

“Oh, hi!” Toki said, pleasantly surprised to see him. “What’s you up to?”

Skwisgaar peeked around him, into the far reaches of Toki’s bedroom. “Nothings. Do you wants to hang out?”

This was a weird request. Skwisgaar didn’t ask to hang out. If he wanted Toki’s presence, he would just come in his room and sit on his floor and practice guitar while Toki made his models or drew.

He seemed anxious, squirrely. Toki didn’t like where this was going at all.

“Um, okays! Comes on in!” He tried to seem welcoming and non-suspicious. Skwisgaar was a bit high-strung, easy to freak out. Toki wanted to soothe him to the best of his abilities, because a freaked-out Skwisgaar was a mean Skwisgaar.’

Skwisgaar walked briskly by him and took his seat on the rug on the floor. “Whats are you doings? Making models? Can I sees dem?” 

Toki nodded, not hiding his confusion well. He knew Skwisgaar didn’t give a shit about his models. He had never even glanced at them before, and had often poked fun at him for his childish hobby. 

“Yeahs? Um… dis one is a North Americans P-51 Mustang. It looks pretty cools, ja?”

Skwisgaar nodded, his mind clearly somewhere else. 

Toki reached to the shelf, displaying his finished models, above his desk. He grabbed his favorite, a Supermarine Spitfire. He swooped it down, like a real plane, making it do loops and barrel rolls, until it was an inch away from Skwsigaar’s face. He smiled at him hopefully. “Dis is my favorite.”

“It is very nice, Toki.” He poked at it with one finger half-heartedly. Toki appreciated him trying to be nice, but it made him a bit uncomfortable. So he put the plane back in its spot and sat on the ground across from him, their knees almost touching.

“What’s wrongs? You’s acting very weirds.”

Skwisgaar looked down at his lap, twisting his hands anxiously. “Um, I just gots out of the meeting withs Charles. You hads one too, he says. Just a bits weird to hear, is all.”

Oh. Toki had thought that the implication of his meeting was that he wasn’t going to talk to Skwisgaar. He figured that Charles knew Toki to be more… accepting of his own actions. 

“Ja? I ams thinking it’s okay, you know. We can just do stuffs without the other guys knowings about it. No big deals.” Toki tried to be as casual as possible, again, to soothe the man in front of him.

“Dats not it. I don’t gives a shit about what those dildos think.” Skwisgaar looked genuinely surprised that Toki made that assumption. As if it wasn’t the most obvious one to make.  
“Thens what is it?” Toki demanded.

“What is what?”

Toki was annoyed. Again, he had made the most obvious assumption, posed the most clear question. And yet, Skwisgaar was playing dumb. “Why is you only touching me at nights, not kissing me anymore? Why?”

Skwisgaar sputtered for a second. “I don’t- I don’t know! Don’t asks me dat!” He flushed bright red and turned his face away from Toki, pressing a hand into his forehead. 

“Den stop takings it out on me! You’s acting like a dick to me because you’s like me and can’t deals with it!” Toki’s voice was rising, his hands moving with his words more violently. Everything he had ever felt about the situation, every night he lay in Skwisgaar’s arms and resented him, was bubbling over.

Skwisgaar leapt to his feet like he just sat on a pile of hot coals. Repulsed by the idea. “Fucks off. I ams leaving, since you are talkings craziness.” 

The way he looked down on Toki made him feel like he was going crazy. It was a look of pure disdain. He wanted to strangle him, and then kiss him, and then suck his dick, and then strangle him again. He almost could have killed him in that moment. 

And a wave of calm washed over him. Because he knew he had the power. He knew that he could survive without Skwisgaar touching him. He actually had some modicum of self control, at least in this area. There had been many times beforehand where he would have been perfectly happy just continuing the friendship, admiring from afar. But Skwisgaar? He couldn’t. He would always come back. Always.

He had Skwisgaar in the palm of his hand since the first night they met. He just didn’t know it.

“Okays, leave den. Not my fault you’s a fucking faggot.”

Before Toki even knew it, Skwisgaar had tackled him to the ground. He felt a burst of pain on the back of his head when it connected to the hard floor, heard his skull make a loud cracking sound. 

“Ow! What’s the fuck?” He groaned, stunned by the pain of it.

Skwisgaar was sitting on his legs, holding his arms down to the floor. He looked purely menacing, his eyes moody and dark. Already brimming with tears, of course. He grimaced at him. “Don’t fucking calls me dat.” He was audibly holding back his crying.

“Why nots? It ams true, you knows. If you’s thinks you ams sooo straight after you do all dat stuff with me, you ams just stupid.” Toki didn’t have any delusions about his own sexuality.

“You’s a fucking faggot too, you knows? You lets me do it, every time.” His voice shook, indicating no confidence in his words.

“Because I likes you, Skwisgaar! And I do not cares if dat makes me anything.”

“You likes me?” His eyes softened, almost imperceptibly.

Toki had to think very carefully about his choice of words. Even if he spoke flawless English, or tried to say it in Norweigan, he didn’t know how well he could convey what he felt. But he had to say it.

“Why the fucks else would I lets you treats me like shit?” He eventually choked out. 

This broke Skwisgaar. He started sobbing, letting loose his wild emotions. Fat, angry tears rolled down his cheeks, leaving streaks of black eyeliner from last night’s show. He curled up on himself, turning his knees into Toki’s sides and loosening his grip on his wrists.

Toki was stunned. Of course he had seen Skwisgaar cry before. Not even just in their intimate moments. He cried before shows, after shows, at dinner, in the hot tub. Everyone knew he was a crybaby. But this was different. There was more power behind it, like if every time Skwisgaar touched him had been building up in his body. 

Toki was right. He did have the power. And he hated it.

“Oh… no… do not cries, Skwisgaar… It ams okay… I’m sorries…” Toki muttered awkwardly, loosening his hand from Skwisgaar’s grip and running it up and down in his arm, trying to comfort him. “You’s not a faggot… I was bad for sayings dat…”

“I ams. That’s the problems.” He sniffled pitifully, leaning into Toki’s touch.

“So you’s don’t like the ladies?”

Skwisgaar quickly shook his head. “No. I do likes dem.” He paused. “But not just dem.” The implied hung in the air.

Toki looked up at the man above him. He looked sad, drained. Without really thinking, he put his arms up and wrapped them around Skwisgaar, pulling him to his chest. Skwisgaar didn’t resist, allowing himself to be held. He wasn’t sobbing anymore, but it was clearly hard for him to hold back his tears. His breath hitched every time he inhaled, and he shuddered in Toki’s arms.

It was the first time Toki had held him, not the other way around. It felt good, like he was protecting him. He was usually not the one protecting other people.

They laid there for a second, Toki’s head still hurting from the fall.

“I ams sorry I attacked you, Toki.” Skwisgaar whispered, burying his face into Toki’s neck. “I do not feels good about it.”

“Aw, it’s okays. Ams not mad. Just hurts on my head a bit.” That was a bit of an understatement, to make Skwisgaar feel better. It actually hurt quite a lot.

“Okays. We’re fine, then?”

Toki nodded and reached one hand up to cradle Skwisgaar’s cheek, his soft skin wet with tears.

Better than fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long!!! but ummmmmmmmm i hope u liked it lol.

**Author's Note:**

> my mtl tumblr is @fatherklok, the title is from "loomer" from my bloody valentine :)


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